Sorry the updates have been lacking in the past week... I have actually been a little busy at my "job." But listen motherfuckers, I gots bar tabs to pay for. Those things are not always cheap, especially when you drunkenly sign outrageous tips for $100,000. That's right. I'm fucking George Bernard Shaw loaded.
Anyway, last night started off strange and ended stranger, all at the helm of several dumb crazy hos. I ventured downtown and picked up a good buddy from work - since his car is in the shop - no doubt because of one too many bone sessions in the back seat. That's right kids. Too much crotch slamming will fuck up a transmission.
So after the pick up, we venture to another friend's house. Where I proceed to dine on a cold Bud Light. Then the clouds started to position themselves all Mary Poppins like and BOOM the Earth opened and out popped two dumb bitches. If the Greenwood, SC accents were not bad enough, both had the intelligence of a small retarded child that was buried in Pet Cemetery.
The duo, who we will call Tittaydunks and Aeropostale, walked up the stairs and started screaming when approached by a dog. Because that is what is appropriate behavior when arriving in someones home, whom you have never met. It's like they walked in on Michael Myers sewing up a whole in his sock caused by bunion rubbing. What happeded next, I had no words for. Yeah. Me. Tittaydunks looked out the window onto the balcony where people were smoking cigs and exclaimed, "Are they in the garage or is that outside." WOW. I immediately texted this sentence to my friend who was out on the balcony. Time went on and I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the duo. I was trying to watch Best Week Ever, and I could not hear Paul F. Fucking Tompkins to save my life. Then I picked up the TiVo remote and speed through the commercial. "I wish mah TV had a fast forward button." Exclaimed Aeropostale. I had to check my surroundings to figure out if Britney Spears had suddenly walked in the room. She might as well have said, "Every month blood comes from my no-no and I went to the doctors and they said I needed a Maxi Pad." "I dont need all that fancy Maxi products, so I went to CVS and got the discount pads." "Those things work just as well as the pricey Post-It's."
Then after the duo of dense took the hint and left, we ventured to the bar. You know, THE bar, as if there is only one. It can have a parade all by itself. While we were there, most things were normal. The music was too loud, some dumb 18 year old girl ordered a vodka cranberry and exclaimed, "I can't taste the vodka." - and someone was undoubtedly pissing all over the handicapped bathroom floor.
We get in the car, and head back home... Only from my rearview, I notice two extra people... But thought, hell - this car is only going 2 blocks so they will have to get out there regardless. Turns out they were with us. Who knew? So after we go out to the balcony, yes the same balcony. Not the garage... We proceed to tell the ballad of Tittaydunks and Aeropostale... After 2 sentences, this crazy dumb ho, who we will call Satanginey McWhatthefuck, pulls some exorcist shit. Her head spun around 2,000 times, vomit was everywhere, the dog killed himself (drowned head in water dish), the streets flooded, someone down the block sacrificed a microwaved Teenage Mutant Nija Turtle action figure, and the gates of Hell opened. She then stormed out swimming through a stream of piss that my buddy provided from the balcony above.
The entire room had no idea what just happened. Apparently she thought that we were talking shit about her. By telling her a story of two dumb hos from hours before?! I guess takes one to know one... Then takes a drunk one to get all batshit nuts.
Then she pulled the, "I think I was roofied last night." To quote a friend, WHO WOULD WASTE A ROOFIE ON HER? If this is what the summer is going to shape up to be, I am going out with a hazmat suit, a crucifix, bottle of Pamprin, Holy vodka (its blessed by this Russian guy), and a cyanide tablet.
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