Swine Flu, it's like Bird Flu... but for KIDS!

So my weekend is officially over. But rather than my usual regrets, ie: waking on some unsuspecting / highly questionable sofa, taking a spill in the handi, or throwing a syruped pancake on a staff member of Waffle House... This weekend I resent pork. Yes the other white meat.

After I had gorged myself on ham at 3am, ordered a basket of bacon for brunch the next day, and then topped that off with what I can only describe with using a swimming pool for a measuring cup of pork fried rice... I learned that Babe left whatever crack den he was nosing about in and gave motherfuckers some Swine Flu. Swine Flu?!?! That sounds dirty. So now I feel dirty. Like the kind of dirty that needs a rape kit and a lollipop.

After a quick wikipedia search on what the fuck this is... I looked at the symptoms.
According to the CDC, they are:

• Fever (withdrawal)
• Cough (tobacco)
  
• Sore Throat (I'm not judging)
• Body Aches (random bruise or scratch from falling off the stool)
• Headache ("I'll have another, and a Rumple - 2 ways)
• Chills (waking up in the shower with it on)
• Diarrhea (Asian chicken and vodka cokes will send you home early from the bar)
• Vomiting ("I bet you can't...")

So, as you can see by my scholarly review of these "symptoms" - this is a nightmare. Think of all of the people in America right now just thinking they are hungover. They may have no idea that they have got the pork AIDS. I found out that I do not have it, thankfully. Or at least that is what my First Response told me.

How could Babe do this to us? It was all because of a little movie called Babe 2: Pig in the City. Mother. Fucker. Though I should have already been suspect back in 1998... It turns out that this film was banned in Malaysia. And only in Malaysia. Which tells me that they knew something, other than making a cheap garment or nicknack through forced child labor.

No one liked that movie. And I know why. Its a movie about a pig that goes to the big city. Spoiler Alert... shit goes wonkey and in the end its all butterflies and moonpies. Not today. Just look at the poster. There Babe is with his suitcase... Duh. Hes clearly coming from Mexico to infect us with the piggy pig plague. And wouldn't you know it... There is a web-footed heaping load of Bird Flu that is with him. I knew they were in cahoots.

I am glad to report, however... Swine Flu is not transmitted sexually. If this were the case I imagine the movie title would be something like, Babe 2: Pig in tha Pussay!

There's only 24 hours in a day...

I have an inside joke with a friend about this person that seems to always be busy. The joke just will not become old, find its way to a state-run retirement home, and slowly die.

Since we are both at work, our gchat's keep us from putting our heads in the oven. So today we came up with several things that our busy friend could be doing even as I write this.

(names have been changed to protect the innocently busy)

Enjoy...

He's breast feeding Arabian orphans who's parents died in fatal magic carpet rides.

He is actually out in the field right now, uncovering DNA evidence that will exonerate Timothy McVehy from the Oklahoma City Bombing. Also, since he was executed, He has been taking classes, to convert to Buddhism so that when McVehy comes back as a single-celled crustacean in Panama, he can then be retried and his name can be cleared.

He is currently being blown by the East wind to Number Seventeen Cherry Tree Lane, London and into the Banks' household to care for their children.

He currently holds office as senior Pooper Scooper for the Greater London Old English Sheepdog Club. The aim of the Greater London Old English Sheepdog Club is to promote the responsible ownership and breeding of the Old English Sheepdog.’ They hold regular shows and offer advice on training, grooming and diet.

He is currently working as inspector number 39 at the dice factory. Where he inspects for lopsidedness, blemishes, seven-sidedness and any other dice imperfections for casinos.

When he was in east Tibet... No doubt trying to free it, he took on the dubious task of bee-keeping. He would then use the honey he got from the bees to power his self-made motorbike en lieu of burning gasoline. For that he won the Nobel Prize but was unable to attend the ceremony due to a conflict he was having on the Red Phone with former President Reagan and his wife, Nancy.

He actually just left for his bi-weekly class on the behaviors and attitudes of Northern Wombats when introduced to music of the 1920s, before the Great Depression. After he will be giving a lecture on the Hubble Space Telescope concerning the accuracy of the lens used. This lecture will be given in both Japanese and American Sign Language, simultaneously.

The most beautiful thing in the world

Today I decided to take a moment out of my normal posting of vagina, sexually transmitted diseases (Lohan) and general douchebaggery. That is right. I decided to pay a little bit of homage to none other than the Big Mac. Few know where the Big Mac started. I have all the information you are not looking for.

The Big Mac was invented by God. It was his next, largely unquoted second statement, "Let there be Big Mac, too... Now I know what you are thinking... How could this be possible? Well friends it is the work and words of God. Don't question it. When it was brought to the mainstream in the early 1950s, Mother Teresa herself invented special sauce. Well, with all of that no-sex and stuff, she had a lot of mayonnaise and time. The secret is locked with her in her tomb as we speak. We shall never know what it really is. Though later, after spending billions, Larry Flint concocted something now known as Thousand Island Dressing. It is close, but only half way. Kind of like Larry, being that he cannot use his legs. It's ironic (don't you think)

Now the Big Mac was originally to be called “The Aristocrat” or the “Blue Ribbon Burger,” though those equally retarded names did not stick. Perhaps the special sauce did not yet have the quantity of seamen that it has in today's market.

While the Big Mac is the source of Asian morbid obesity, it is nonetheless delicious. You see Big Mac's are actually laced with black tar heroin. That is what has come to be known as, "the good shit." It drives people in to order them at ridiculous times of day / night. When I am batting 1,000... I sometimes fancy a 3am drive to the local McDonalds. We argue about their credit card machine being broken until we reach some sort of agreement. Which usually ends in me cutting a bitch and driving off with my delicious bag of goodness.

So today, here's to you Big Mac. Because I am still tasting / burping you up from my consumption of you last night. You are delicious and can never be replaced. Though sometimes the line may be long to get to you, especially when you have to get out of the car to piss on a bush, you are well worth the wait. And no. I will not settle for that "fourth meal" FUCKERY from the Taco Bell.

OPEN POST: Hipsters...

Today I was minding my own business attempting to be some sort of useful at work. After I realized that was going to be filed in the Fiction section of a crazed bookmobile drivers pedophile past - I was sent this magical link. So here's to you Coble. Keep scouring the interweb while you are "working."

Link listed below:

Hipster Douches...

While you aren't dick deep in a stumbleupon sesh...

Weezy shares his words of wisdom on sexy times... Dlisted

It would appear Obama's new dog is also half black... TMZ

Katie Holmes is searching for those lost Christmas presents too... TheSuperficial

Get Back In Your Cage!

I know. It has been a long time coming, but here it is. Lindsay Lohan. What can I possibly say about this dime bag of dildos, dick, dementia, and Dimeatapp? If you read any other blogs... The title line above her picture of her probably doing a line is normally something like: This Bitch. And that is exactly what needs to be said. First, she captured American hears by playing a double role in the beautiful childrens comedy - The Parent Trap. Like any family friendly movie it has it all. A bitter divorce that drives the opposing parties towards opposite continents because of their bitter rage with one another. The breaking up of a family and splitting two children that once shared a small, yet decorative British vagina, and then possessing a picture of their father and mother that had been ripped in half much like the sofa ripped apart by chainsaw in the bitter divorce battle. Yeah, pass the motherfucking popcorn and TiVo Maury. Cause this shit gets good.

Now that she has done most of the pure Colombian cocaine in the greater Hollywood area... She became bored with that and decided to drink and drive a couple few times. And don't judge people... Like you haven't? Meanwhile, she then decides - hey! Lets go to rehab! ...A couple few times. To make matters worse, she had a Movie called: Some Flaming Piano Teacher Cut Mah Shit Off and Somehow it is Fucking With Some Stripper Bitch That is Also My Twin. You see how her career then just became full circle? It's called irony folks. The one movie premise that starts your career can also act like your back alley abortionist to end it.

Enter carpet munching. Now she has decided to go off of the D. With this, it created a long retarded media blitz. Really? So now she's a lesbian. Fine sure. Whatever. Next week she will be a fucking troll and we will have to refer to her as Goddess Messiah Little-taint McBigTWAT. Lindsay, everyone is over it. Go away. Don't return. No one likes you. You know its bad when ever your lesser-known lesbian poon licker is fed up with you. Now I never really want to talk about this talentless hack again. Her or the flat crotch she rode in on.

God Save The... iPod?

I had thought about not commenting on this but I just cannot get it out of my head. Several days ago, Barack and Wifey went to jolly London Towne to go and see HMS QueenShit! A remarkable achievement! Oh, I mean that she is still alive and has the strength to hold up all those jewels. That shit takes strength. I had no problem with the visit from our current president until I found out what they brought with them. An iPod Touch. Really? REALLY? First I was thinking about ranting about why I found this unacceptable and then I just decided to go ahead and do it. When you are some of the most wealthiest land owners in the world, have royal blood (albeit inbred like a Cocker Spaniel from a puppy mill) and are treated with the utmost resect from foreign leaders, dignitaries, and your own countrymen... You then clearly deserve the illustrious present of an iPod Touch. But wouldn't it have kind of been funny if they gave her an iPod Shuffle. Sorry, I'm just getting a mental image.

Anyway, I know what she did with it. Because, we call one another when we take our baths and gab like old friends. Mainly we just talk about Britney Spears and her nipple tassels or the Oakland A's. This time it was different. Apparently what she did was hand it to one of her aides and he put it inside one of her priceless Faberge eggs and has since forgotten about it. But you know what she said to her baby daddy? "Philip what was that little rectangular shaped coaster that cute little colored boy gave us?" "Oh I don't know Bess. I think it was one of those marital devices we used to use in the bedroom back in the 60s."

But if you think about it... What if she actually uses it? Can't you almost see The Queen dancing around to Bad Girls by Donna Summer dressed in nothing but a mink cape, slippers, and waving a septor. That's what is really going down in the Tower of London. Then there's Prince Henry with the beer bong and a pound of weed. Oh the times they have been having lately. I bet she also had to get an iTrip so the damn thing could work in the Royal Bentley. That was her just now, driving by Harrods listening to the timeless classic, I Wanna Sex You Up - by Color Me Badd.

OPEN POST: VAGINA PROM DRESS

I'm posting this for a moment of vagina fodder... More to follow I promise.