Today I decided to take a moment out of my normal posting of vagina, sexually transmitted diseases (Lohan) and general douchebaggery. That is right. I decided to pay a little bit of homage to none other than the Big Mac. Few know where the Big Mac started. I have all the information you are not looking for.
The Big Mac was invented by God. It was his next, largely unquoted second statement, "Let there be Big Mac, too... Now I know what you are thinking... How could this be possible? Well friends it is the work and words of God. Don't question it. When it was brought to the mainstream in the early 1950s, Mother Teresa herself invented special sauce. Well, with all of that no-sex and stuff, she had a lot of mayonnaise and time. The secret is locked with her in her tomb as we speak. We shall never know what it really is. Though later, after spending billions, Larry Flint concocted something now known as Thousand Island Dressing. It is close, but only half way. Kind of like Larry, being that he cannot use his legs. It's ironic (don't you think)
Now the Big Mac was originally to be called “The Aristocrat” or the “Blue Ribbon Burger,” though those equally retarded names did not stick. Perhaps the special sauce did not yet have the quantity of seamen that it has in today's market.
While the Big Mac is the source of Asian morbid obesity, it is nonetheless delicious. You see Big Mac's are actually laced with black tar heroin. That is what has come to be known as, "the good shit." It drives people in to order them at ridiculous times of day / night. When I am batting 1,000... I sometimes fancy a 3am drive to the local McDonalds. We argue about their credit card machine being broken until we reach some sort of agreement. Which usually ends in me cutting a bitch and driving off with my delicious bag of goodness.
So today, here's to you Big Mac. Because I am still tasting / burping you up from my consumption of you last night. You are delicious and can never be replaced. Though sometimes the line may be long to get to you, especially when you have to get out of the car to piss on a bush, you are well worth the wait. And no. I will not settle for that "fourth meal" FUCKERY from the Taco Bell.
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