Bernie Madoff: Wanted. Gagged and Buttplugged.

Who's about to get gangraped? None other than Mr. Bernard Madoff. Or just call him Bernie, uncle Bernie - or you can do what the people he defrauded want to do and call him Weekend at Bernie's. First thing to note - bitch is old. Bernie was involved in a Ponzi scheme at the magnitude that this country has never seen. If you do not watch A&E religiously like myself, do a little walk over to wikipedia.com to see what a Ponzi scheme is. Currently, Madoff is being "held" in his penthouse apartment in Manhattan.

Basically over the course of many years, Bernie managed to create the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of the world. His estimate is around $50 billion. The government says it's a little higher, but this guy is the kind of guy that is fucked - and he knows it.

How did he do it? Well, it was a combination of several things. Have you ever been awake and succumbed to watching one of those infomercials on investments? Do they say they have some investment that will make you rich? Is there a midget featured in the program at any time? Dressed up in a suit wearing hair gel? Do you see an unnecessary water feature or a Corvette anywhere? A Corvette you might ask yourself? Yeah, that is the "flashy car" they choose because it happens to be the nicest thing you can get at the fucking airport Hertz to rent for the day. If you are watching this, it is most likely a bunch of bullshit. However, Bernie had one resource midgets do not. Jews. Don't get me wrong, I want to make it totally clear that I have no qualms with the Jewish - I love them. However, typically Jewish people rely a lot on family and friends. They tend to do business with one another and Bernie worked the Jewish circuit. These innocent people believed this asshole for years. Now they have likely lost absolutely everything. Yes, I know... It is a bunch of rich people involved... Well, not anymore. For instance, the American icon that is Kevin Bacon had all of his Tremors money rapped up in Bernie's firm. Now he and his wife have what is left in their checking accounts and their houses and that is about it. So, If you ever wanted to be seven degrees to Kev - he might just be your bagger on the way out of CVS when you had to get that emergency KY Warming Liquid at three in the morning.

But it does get better. Bernie's two sons questioned what was going on and Bernie went ahead and inserted a corncob into his rectum to say, "This is a giant Ponzi scheme... a big lie." Then his two sons were the ones that called the feds to turn him in. His own sons. Priceless. They must have wanted to not be investigated since they worked under him at the firm. This was in an attempt to save their asses. But one has to wonder - when your family name is attached to the largest Ponzi scheme ever... I bet no one wants to do business with you ever again. So fellas - say HAY to Kevin Bacon while your at CVS cleaning the one hour photo machine and restocking morning after pills.

Time to get in your bunker! Leno's chin is on the loose!

So the other day I was reading how Jay Leno is planning on giving a few free shows to the citizens of Detroit. Detroit apparently is very high on the unemployment scale, so Jay decided to let the people laugh or whatever. What a slap in the fucking face. I mean first we have to watch him yip and talk about 'headlines' for years - since he has left his late night show he's going to tell "jokes" to help the economy...? Before I go apeshit (on mah batshit) Let me collect my thoughts, and by that I mean crack open a tall, cool Bud Light.

I'm back... and refreshed. Now, Back to Leno. And I know what you are thinking... No cleaver name? No. Why? The guy has the most unfortunate chin on planet earth. Just imagine what type of injustices would occur should he decide to become morbidly obese and get one of those double chins? People would have to look at it. Though, I imagine the chin is probably tired of his mouth and is probably in the pre-planning stages of succession from the face altogether. Someone let me know if you see a maliciously deformed chin down by Fort Sumter carrying a hand gun.

Anyway, my problem is that this is not helping anything. He is giving away free tickets. OK so he understands the problem with the economy... well maybe not. In order to fix this shit, people have to spend money. It's just not setting a good example. Oh they cannot afford it? Please. How much could that guy charge to see his ass? If he wanted to do a service for the city of Detroit... Start by popping the lock on that massive garage and try selling some of those fucking cars you have acquired over the years. Not all of them, just the ones that were made in Detroit. Then pay the unemployed population the money not to come and see your dumbass show.

OctoVagina!

In the news there has been way to much shit on this Octomom whore. Her real name is Nadya Suleman, which is Arabic for Trick Ho. So, my first thought - as with the rest of the free world was, oh... interesting. It was only after gaining major media attention that the news began reporting that she already has nine hundred billion kids. OK so she's got all of those kids, apparently she has no money, and is losing her house. Blasted Vag actually has fourteen children. When I start doing the math - in my already sauced head - I got a great solution to her problem. It's simple math, nine hundred billion kids + money problems + impending homelessness = SWEATSHOP. Cheap shit doesn't make itself people. I looked it up. Also, with this in mind - we can potentially tickle the taint of our own economy. Buy cheap shit from the USA, well - that busted ass looking house down the street that has more shit flying from the windows than an entire cattle barn being fed nothing Metamucil and Chalupas. There is a lesson to be learned here. If God did not happen to bless your uterus with the capability of housing feti, then I bet it was not a good choice in letting a "doctor" fist you with more seamen than a fucking German submarine.

Meanwhile, I see a growing trend in this whole baby thing. We have celebrities that are going to Africa and throwing down $50,000 on a kid. On a child. Now just to put that into a perspective... Cab fare and a trip to Planned Parenthood will run you around $500. All to drop the kids off to play at stem-cell research. Something does not quite add up. I think it's a little strange to take the G5 over to Africa and throw money at a child's parents and say, PEACE! Because they don't want to be over there anyway. Hell, I like my running water too. Without it - I have no fucking clue what my bartender is going to put with my vodka.

Throwing money at babies and claiming them for the rest of their lives, yeah that's one thing. But if you want a white baby, I know a guy. Under the table, Romanian. Looks just like the real thing. He promises they are not addicted to glue upon arrival from FedEx Freight.

But seriously, if we as a nation decide to throw money at things and take them. Let me be the first to start... My neighbor has a pretty bad ass television. I think I'll go take it... I'll pay for it of course. Only problem, I don't know where he is going to swipe my Discover card. I'm just hoping its not in the crack of his ass.

Global Warming: It's comin' tah git cha!!

Earlier I made mention of a one Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. Or, by his Christian name: Fatfuck McPuffy. Today I was sitting around on my day off thumbing through the channels when I spotted Mr. McPuffy flailing his Michelin Man arms gabbing about the 'ole Nobel Prize he picked up. It was the first interview I had seen in some time when he was not yammering on about the Oscar he also picked up. It should be noted, however, these two awards are not one in the same. McPuffy seems not to know this. While both hold a lot of merit, personally - I would take the Nobel over the Oscar... But I also want to own a Golden Raspberry statue sometime in my life. Perhaps the closest I will get is scouring ebay.com to see when Lohan is putting up her Razzie on the site. Though I suppose she will have to stop taking trips off the coast of Dykeachusetts to dive for Muff in order to get around to it. Meanwhile, back to Tubbo... My problem is that he keeps stating that the issue of global warming closed and not up for debate. OK - so can I reopen the debate if I throw a million dollars on a glorifuckingfied power point presentation, promote the holy goose shit out of it, and partner with the dude that played the retard in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? In the research I have done, the subject is still very open for debate. It is not like this is the first time in history the earth has heated. It can come from many different sources. I also would like to point out that people that cannot seem to figure out that the earth is heated by a giant fucking star called the Sun and his royal bigtits is getting bigger - thus, closer to the earth. So, it's not just us. I'm sorry, Al. Not everyone can afford to drive that fugly Prius shit. Most of us do not know how to go about strapping gargantuan solar panels to our homes. And what if you live in an apartment? Yes. We get it. Use less, conserve more. It is something that our parents teach us. However, the problem does not lie totally with us. So, if you see McPuffy on the street, walking in his recycled moose horn espadrilles, sporting an eco-friendly buttplug, and eating a portabello mushroom and Crisco wrap - do the right thing... Punch him in the neck and t-bag his fat ass.

Also, I would like to extend this post to discussing the need to save polar bears. When I am watching a 3 hour marathon of Cold Case Files, I don't want a minute and a half of bullshit dribble from some D-list actor talking about saving the fucking polar bears. Do not ever interrupt Bill Kurtis. It's just rude. Look, I get it. They look cuddly. We have all seen the animated Coke ads over the holidays... However, this is not the case. I can see why we would give 2 fucks about a platypus. Those fuckers are the comedians of nature. Every time I see one I get the same smile on my face that I do when I see some horribly deformed ginger child at dinner. Polar bears will rip your fucking face off, throw it in a blender, add whatever ice they have left, and serve it in a glass with a crazy straw.

I mean, I can't wait to make sure that an animal that will render me faceless has a fucking home to jack off in. I can understand saving something I can potentially pet - but when its ashes to ashes, I'm not fucking laying down in front of one of those big ass thundernuggets. Call Jane Fonda - or better yet, call Al Gore and let a polar bear knock his ass down a peg.

*While I cannot stand this guy, he does still sport an amazing mustache. His report is worth watching...