"Did you see 24 last night?"

In the words of Americas hero, Whitney Houston, HELL TO THA NO!

Today I would like to focus my attention on shows that apparently everyone watches that I do not. I would like to offer my expert opinion a few shows that I have never seen. So if by some chance you are sitting around one day and decide to shove a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's (that whore) pancake sauce in your blowhole and flip on the TV to see what these shows are about, then read on...

24.
From what I can surmise based solely on commercials and a glazed over wiki sesh, this program seems to be the most, absolute, waste of airtime imaginable. However, I kind of understand why Americans and illegal Mexican immigrants like it. It is for the folks with ADD. From what I can gather, it looks as if the episode is supposed to capture all of the events that happen in a 24 hour period. So, in watching 15 minutes of it with a good buddy of mine the other day, I found out the dynamics of the show. Once, every week, for only a day - the world burns down as the result of a force from God. Yes, you see God is testing Keifer Sutherland. He is his bitch. God makes something go terribly wrong for a day and it is up to Queef to save the day. I noticed something else too. You know how he whispers in a loud tone for "dramatic effect?" That is because God has him on one of those child leashes. It's choking the dog shit out of him. But you know he loves it.

Lost.
It's where you would be if you just started watching. So I think it is something like Gilligan's Island without that demonic radio. And while we are at it, in all that time, why did they not figure out how to build canoes? Don't the pigmy people still use those or something? Meanwhile, I do not understand Lost. So maybe there was a plane crash or something? Um, let me think... There is something called a flight plan. There is the FAA. And I think by now, as a largely civilized world, our cartographic efforts would have left no stone unturned. So where is this Island? I think it's in the middle of a gigantic volcano located directly in L. Ron Hubbard's asshole. You see that kids? Lost is just Scientology. You are one step away from jumping on a sofa and making the rest of the world hate you.

Grey's Anatomy.
Look at the title. How does that even sound like something you want to watch? Unfortunately, this is a show that I actually have seen a couple of episodes a few years ago. I am friends with these girls that, before the bar, had to watch that fucking - wannakillyourselfwithamercuryfilledsalmon - fuckery. American people have a false sense of reality when it comes to programs like this. If you think about it... American people must all be either Doctors, Nurses, Murses, Janitors, Patients, or Dead People. There are so many hospital related shows on television, it leaves little room for other types of jobs. Like say, Amish Methmaker, Geriatric Bodystocking Model, Cameltoe Operator, and Professional Nail Polish Taster. This show, based around one person, is why it is failing at the moment. Centered around that one bitch with the spooky eyes, that gets no headlines. She is as boring as her weave. Media keeps reporting on Katherine Heigl and T.R. FingerblastmeatKnight. Will they leave the show? Who knows? Lets NOT watch.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 1 or 2 Plus a Stem-cell.
This is another show that is buzzing after a huge ratings surge. The media cannot seem to shut the fuck up over this massive family. First OctoVagina, now this shit. What is the obsession with over spermination these days? Bitch used fertility treatment to get herself all big as shit. Now, when people had that many kids when I was younger - they were called Catholic. Now they are called Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, I get why their marriage is on the outs these days. THEY HAVE EIGHT FUCKING KIDS. I mean, would you not put a gun in your mouth when they all got Chicken Pox? Think about taking them to the grocery store... Or even worse, Neverland. Also, what is the hedgehog that is growing out of the back of her skull? If I were Jon, I would have quit that bitch from her first walk-in appointment at Great Clips.

Update: Apparently 24 is coming out with a movie. Are they going to call it 48?

...Like it's going out of style.

I noticed the other day that there are a lot of things that either are, or should be going out of style. I would like to start with the fading trend of the rape van. The rape van was something popularized by the musical group Soul Asylum with their "hit" Runaway Train.

I used to watch this video when I was little and actually become scared. There was never any closure. They needed to update. Where are the missing children? Were they, in fact, raped? Or were they just lead to a van with candy and taken off to Disney world or the Nickelodeon studios? Perhaps they are alive today and write for Dora The Explorer. The world may never know... But there is something to be said about a rape van...

To the owners who have a rape van and do not intend on using it for rape, why do you still have this van? Were you a rapist in the past and realized the error of your ways? Do you hold on to the nostalgia of rapes past? This is not good. It will only lead you to an impending rapepath.

Other uses of rape vans are acceptable. Such as: Mexican transport, discount carpet warehouse (Samantha Ronson), methamphetamine laboratories, recession-proof homes, and when you visit home and there is no where to bang the girl down the street and for some reason you still have one parked in the driveway - leaking oil. Because when the rape van's a knockin' mom, mah dirty laundry is in the trunk of mah car. Mind the traveler of Smirnoff. That's for me.

This lead me on to think of other things that are going out of style. Like dial-up modems. Remember in 1995-1996 when you called your best friend down the street? The line was busy all fucking day. Why? His cunt of a mother left the fucking modem on and they did not have a separate line. What the fuck was she doing? Looking at 14k interweb porn? Updating her geocities account? I wanted to go play paintball with Jesse and I was to lazy at that time to walk down four houses. I'm still pissed!

But seriously, for those who still have Net Zero and Juno, kindly take a walk to your nearest rape van and go fuck yourself.

OPEN POST: Crazy Dumb Ho.

Sorry the updates have been lacking in the past week... I have actually been a little busy at my "job." But listen motherfuckers, I gots bar tabs to pay for. Those things are not always cheap, especially when you drunkenly sign outrageous tips for $100,000. That's right. I'm fucking George Bernard Shaw loaded.

Anyway, last night started off strange and ended stranger, all at the helm of several dumb crazy hos. I ventured downtown and picked up a good buddy from work - since his car is in the shop - no doubt because of one too many bone sessions in the back seat. That's right kids. Too much crotch slamming will fuck up a transmission.

So after the pick up, we venture to another friend's house. Where I proceed to dine on a cold Bud Light. Then the clouds started to position themselves all Mary Poppins like and BOOM the Earth opened and out popped two dumb bitches. If the Greenwood, SC accents were not bad enough, both had the intelligence of a small retarded child that was buried in Pet Cemetery.

The duo, who we will call Tittaydunks and Aeropostale, walked up the stairs and started screaming when approached by a dog. Because that is what is appropriate behavior when arriving in someones home, whom you have never met. It's like they walked in on Michael Myers sewing up a whole in his sock caused by bunion rubbing. What happeded next, I had no words for. Yeah. Me. Tittaydunks looked out the window onto the balcony where people were smoking cigs and exclaimed, "Are they in the garage or is that outside." WOW. I immediately texted this sentence to my friend who was out on the balcony. Time went on and I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the duo. I was trying to watch Best Week Ever, and I could not hear Paul F. Fucking Tompkins to save my life. Then I picked up the TiVo remote and speed through the commercial. "I wish mah TV had a fast forward button." Exclaimed Aeropostale. I had to check my surroundings to figure out if Britney Spears had suddenly walked in the room. She might as well have said, "Every month blood comes from my no-no and I went to the doctors and they said I needed a Maxi Pad." "I dont need all that fancy Maxi products, so I went to CVS and got the discount pads." "Those things work just as well as the pricey Post-It's."

Then after the duo of dense took the hint and left, we ventured to the bar. You know, THE bar, as if there is only one. It can have a parade all by itself. While we were there, most things were normal. The music was too loud, some dumb 18 year old girl ordered a vodka cranberry and exclaimed, "I can't taste the vodka." - and someone was undoubtedly pissing all over the handicapped bathroom floor.

We get in the car, and head back home... Only from my rearview, I notice two extra people... But thought, hell - this car is only going 2 blocks so they will have to get out there regardless. Turns out they were with us. Who knew? So after we go out to the balcony, yes the same balcony. Not the garage... We proceed to tell the ballad of Tittaydunks and Aeropostale... After 2 sentences, this crazy dumb ho, who we will call Satanginey McWhatthefuck, pulls some exorcist shit. Her head spun around 2,000 times, vomit was everywhere, the dog killed himself (drowned head in water dish), the streets flooded, someone down the block sacrificed a microwaved Teenage Mutant Nija Turtle action figure, and the gates of Hell opened. She then stormed out swimming through a stream of piss that my buddy provided from the balcony above.

The entire room had no idea what just happened. Apparently she thought that we were talking shit about her. By telling her a story of two dumb hos from hours before?! I guess takes one to know one... Then takes a drunk one to get all batshit nuts.

Then she pulled the, "I think I was roofied last night." To quote a friend, WHO WOULD WASTE A ROOFIE ON HER? If this is what the summer is going to shape up to be, I am going out with a hazmat suit, a crucifix, bottle of Pamprin, Holy vodka (its blessed by this Russian guy), and a cyanide tablet.