Swine Flu, it's like Bird Flu... but for KIDS!

So my weekend is officially over. But rather than my usual regrets, ie: waking on some unsuspecting / highly questionable sofa, taking a spill in the handi, or throwing a syruped pancake on a staff member of Waffle House... This weekend I resent pork. Yes the other white meat.

After I had gorged myself on ham at 3am, ordered a basket of bacon for brunch the next day, and then topped that off with what I can only describe with using a swimming pool for a measuring cup of pork fried rice... I learned that Babe left whatever crack den he was nosing about in and gave motherfuckers some Swine Flu. Swine Flu?!?! That sounds dirty. So now I feel dirty. Like the kind of dirty that needs a rape kit and a lollipop.

After a quick wikipedia search on what the fuck this is... I looked at the symptoms.
According to the CDC, they are:

• Fever (withdrawal)
• Cough (tobacco)
  
• Sore Throat (I'm not judging)
• Body Aches (random bruise or scratch from falling off the stool)
• Headache ("I'll have another, and a Rumple - 2 ways)
• Chills (waking up in the shower with it on)
• Diarrhea (Asian chicken and vodka cokes will send you home early from the bar)
• Vomiting ("I bet you can't...")

So, as you can see by my scholarly review of these "symptoms" - this is a nightmare. Think of all of the people in America right now just thinking they are hungover. They may have no idea that they have got the pork AIDS. I found out that I do not have it, thankfully. Or at least that is what my First Response told me.

How could Babe do this to us? It was all because of a little movie called Babe 2: Pig in the City. Mother. Fucker. Though I should have already been suspect back in 1998... It turns out that this film was banned in Malaysia. And only in Malaysia. Which tells me that they knew something, other than making a cheap garment or nicknack through forced child labor.

No one liked that movie. And I know why. Its a movie about a pig that goes to the big city. Spoiler Alert... shit goes wonkey and in the end its all butterflies and moonpies. Not today. Just look at the poster. There Babe is with his suitcase... Duh. Hes clearly coming from Mexico to infect us with the piggy pig plague. And wouldn't you know it... There is a web-footed heaping load of Bird Flu that is with him. I knew they were in cahoots.

I am glad to report, however... Swine Flu is not transmitted sexually. If this were the case I imagine the movie title would be something like, Babe 2: Pig in tha Pussay!