Funny People - should have been named Melodramatic Motherfuckers.

Always the sucker for alliteration... Anyway -

Perhaps I walked in thinking it would be another great from Judd Apatow or perhaps I thought I was going to see a funny movie, because FUNNY was in the title... OR perhaps the term "dramedy" was not in the shit trailer...

Look, I typically am no authority on movies. I mean, White Chicks is one of my favorite films EVER. But sir's and ma'am's - I fucking know comedy, even if I am laughing by myself.

The story premise had the best of intentions. A handful of rising comedians, a veteran (Sandler) and promises of Sarah Silverman telling jokes related to the crotch. OH, and a personal favorite... Leslie Mann!

I got about 40 whole minutes before asking myself, "Is this shit ever going to pick up - or should I just go ahead and pour me another mimosa without pressing that temperamental pause button?" I did, and then watched the rest in its entirety (bringing bottle of choice Andre with).

The story does not really get off the ground as quickly as most viewers would expect. Like, Sandler takes forever to cock-slap Leslie Mann. Typically I would not mind this if the story was entertaining from the get-go, but this was like driving behind an Ohio tourist on Labor Day without A/C and a cassette tape featuring Milli Vanilli stuck on "Girl You Know It's True."

Sandler in the film seems like he is 400 years old. I guess I can no longer really be expecting another Waterboy or some other cinematic genius, but what I can expect is for him to at least act like he is not on self prescribed Lithium from a Canadian pharmacy. He is playing the role of a sick person, but it mirrors the same character in Spanglish. Even featuring a tap dancing Mexican leprechaun troll tranny in this movie would have not made it any better.

Look, I'm not going to spoil it for you - that is wiki's / IMDB's job. But it does have an ending. A stupid fucking ending, but an ending none the less. I finally got to stop watching and take my usual Sunday afternoon bubble bath featuring pirated episodes from American Dad. One day I may get electrocuted, but as some readers know - my hair looks like that on any morning rolling of someones sofa.

Everyone have a great Sunday Funday. And remember, dental dams are not just a suggestion.

DROP YOUR PANTS!

The other day I was leaving a July 4th party when I received the following text message:

"Currently sans pants watching Lockup..."

I went home and immediately took off mah pants and settle in to watch Lockup. Only one problem, fucking Palin decided to resign. It's times like these that Lockup does not need to be on MSNBC, but on Nickelodeon.

So over the course of a few drunken evenings and hungover days, I have comprised a list (with the help of a few special fuckers) of things that are just more enjoyable without pants!

In no particular order...

1. Mop (because why not? Careful not to get MOP & GLOW on your no-no.)
2. Smoke a pipe (preferably not one used for smoking crack or Raid.)
3. Snowboard (Just don't Sonny Bono that shit.) BTW, Chastity is becoming Chaz...
4. Video Chat (just not with your mother or parole officer.)
5. Work with clay (because those bongs don't make themselves.)
6. *Watch Lockup (Raw or Extended Stay, doesn't matter.)
7. Directing traffic (I would advise against this in certain countries, but if you are looking to get three meals a day, shelter, and all the fisting that Big Mike can give - feel free.)
8. Judging people (it says to the victim, yeah - I don't have on pants. But your face looks like someone implanted 9 Blackberry Pearls in it.)
9. Blogging or reading other blogs (I mean I'm not wearing pantaloons now... Are you?)
10. Go on a carriage ride (If lady Godiva can spread her Britney all over a stallion, who are you to be wearing pants in the backseat?)
11. Eat Sloppy Joes (well, I mean you are gonna get that shit everywhere anyway. Actually go ahead and eat that in the bathtub or gutter. Whichever you call home.)
12. Have sex (we aren't in middle school anymore.)
13. Paint a picture with your genitalia / ass (Valentines Day comes just once a year.)
    

I was going to post a list of celebrities that have not died...

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BIRTHDAY SEX

Yesterday was my birthday... AND I'M STILL CELEBRATING!

Be back with you tomorrow, er - afternoon.

Your move, Vince the ShamWow asshat.

Billy Mays 1958 - 2009

WTF America?

Who is next? Wilford Brimley? I do not want to live in a world without him...

Details as I get them. It has been confirmed that he was not taking a lethal dose of Oxy Clean.

Three and three quarter stars, motherfucker.

In light on Farrah Fawcett and MJ - we also need to pay respect to grandpa McMahon. A couple of things to highlight: Fighter pilot in WWII (eventually retiring with a rank of Colonel) His ancestors had a hand in the making of something called mayonnaise, was the sidekick on the Tonight Show, STAR SEARCH, Publishers Clearing House, and most recently... Ca$h For Gold.

During the last years of his life, he suffered a broken neck, mold poisoning, and some bone cancer. Really?! Like what in the fuck in his past life was he? Meanwhile, he seemed to accrue a lot of debt. I think it had to do with his wife and an up and down motion with a Platinum Amex. But we may never know.

Well then his home was going to go into foreclosure and then out of the combovers, emerged Donald Trump. Better known by his Christian Science name, Quackers McGoesbankrupteverytwoyears. He offered to buy the home and lease it to McMahon. Yeah, thanks asshole - Why not just buy it. You clearly have the money (today). Well, that deal fell through and shortly after, gramps went into the hospital for a while.

Ultimately, Ed parted ways with us earlier this week. It was said to be predominately due to bone cancer. But pappy is in Heaven now, giving big checks to all sorts of motherfuckers. He came to St. Peter's golden gate with giant check and pen in hand. I mean, the check bounced - but God paid the overdraft fee. Mr. McMahon, you will be missed sir. FOUR STARS!

M J and a LNDP!

So everyone is talking about it. I have even been listening to terrestrial radio - and it's all about Michael Jackson. At night, on my way to the bar - I scope out radio stations playing his music, like most others.

When news broke, I called my mother. Why? Because it was as if a family member died. The kind of family member that you probably did not want to be alone with for any lengthy period - but nonetheless...

What is undeniable is that the motherfucker had a great talent. The only thing that I can say about his death is that in some small way, it comes as a relief. Dude has been battling his demons for years. It's doubtful that he would have ever made any more music that would have made a mark on the global scale that he did in the 70s, 80s, and 90s.

But that is what is to be remembered. His iconic style of music. There has been no one before or ever will be after. That is why when you are on your 7th vodka, you turn to your bartender and say... "Sir, would you kindly put on some old school MJ so that I can rock my nuts out."

So, on a more serious post... MJ is gone. No doubt to his hyperbolic chamber in the sky. Too bad Bubbles is still alive. That little chimp bitch. So, everyone this week, have a Late Night Dance Party and a shot of Jesus Juice for the late, great, Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson 1958-2009

Currently jamming out to this CLASSIC... Michael Jackson and Eddie Murphy.

I'm letting the news sink in while watching BET (because it doesn't matter if you're black or white)

More batshit to follow. Stay Tuned.