"Did you see 24 last night?"

In the words of Americas hero, Whitney Houston, HELL TO THA NO!

Today I would like to focus my attention on shows that apparently everyone watches that I do not. I would like to offer my expert opinion a few shows that I have never seen. So if by some chance you are sitting around one day and decide to shove a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's (that whore) pancake sauce in your blowhole and flip on the TV to see what these shows are about, then read on...

24.
From what I can surmise based solely on commercials and a glazed over wiki sesh, this program seems to be the most, absolute, waste of airtime imaginable. However, I kind of understand why Americans and illegal Mexican immigrants like it. It is for the folks with ADD. From what I can gather, it looks as if the episode is supposed to capture all of the events that happen in a 24 hour period. So, in watching 15 minutes of it with a good buddy of mine the other day, I found out the dynamics of the show. Once, every week, for only a day - the world burns down as the result of a force from God. Yes, you see God is testing Keifer Sutherland. He is his bitch. God makes something go terribly wrong for a day and it is up to Queef to save the day. I noticed something else too. You know how he whispers in a loud tone for "dramatic effect?" That is because God has him on one of those child leashes. It's choking the dog shit out of him. But you know he loves it.

Lost.
It's where you would be if you just started watching. So I think it is something like Gilligan's Island without that demonic radio. And while we are at it, in all that time, why did they not figure out how to build canoes? Don't the pigmy people still use those or something? Meanwhile, I do not understand Lost. So maybe there was a plane crash or something? Um, let me think... There is something called a flight plan. There is the FAA. And I think by now, as a largely civilized world, our cartographic efforts would have left no stone unturned. So where is this Island? I think it's in the middle of a gigantic volcano located directly in L. Ron Hubbard's asshole. You see that kids? Lost is just Scientology. You are one step away from jumping on a sofa and making the rest of the world hate you.

Grey's Anatomy.
Look at the title. How does that even sound like something you want to watch? Unfortunately, this is a show that I actually have seen a couple of episodes a few years ago. I am friends with these girls that, before the bar, had to watch that fucking - wannakillyourselfwithamercuryfilledsalmon - fuckery. American people have a false sense of reality when it comes to programs like this. If you think about it... American people must all be either Doctors, Nurses, Murses, Janitors, Patients, or Dead People. There are so many hospital related shows on television, it leaves little room for other types of jobs. Like say, Amish Methmaker, Geriatric Bodystocking Model, Cameltoe Operator, and Professional Nail Polish Taster. This show, based around one person, is why it is failing at the moment. Centered around that one bitch with the spooky eyes, that gets no headlines. She is as boring as her weave. Media keeps reporting on Katherine Heigl and T.R. FingerblastmeatKnight. Will they leave the show? Who knows? Lets NOT watch.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 Minus 1 or 2 Plus a Stem-cell.
This is another show that is buzzing after a huge ratings surge. The media cannot seem to shut the fuck up over this massive family. First OctoVagina, now this shit. What is the obsession with over spermination these days? Bitch used fertility treatment to get herself all big as shit. Now, when people had that many kids when I was younger - they were called Catholic. Now they are called Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, I get why their marriage is on the outs these days. THEY HAVE EIGHT FUCKING KIDS. I mean, would you not put a gun in your mouth when they all got Chicken Pox? Think about taking them to the grocery store... Or even worse, Neverland. Also, what is the hedgehog that is growing out of the back of her skull? If I were Jon, I would have quit that bitch from her first walk-in appointment at Great Clips.

Update: Apparently 24 is coming out with a movie. Are they going to call it 48?

...Like it's going out of style.

I noticed the other day that there are a lot of things that either are, or should be going out of style. I would like to start with the fading trend of the rape van. The rape van was something popularized by the musical group Soul Asylum with their "hit" Runaway Train.

I used to watch this video when I was little and actually become scared. There was never any closure. They needed to update. Where are the missing children? Were they, in fact, raped? Or were they just lead to a van with candy and taken off to Disney world or the Nickelodeon studios? Perhaps they are alive today and write for Dora The Explorer. The world may never know... But there is something to be said about a rape van...

To the owners who have a rape van and do not intend on using it for rape, why do you still have this van? Were you a rapist in the past and realized the error of your ways? Do you hold on to the nostalgia of rapes past? This is not good. It will only lead you to an impending rapepath.

Other uses of rape vans are acceptable. Such as: Mexican transport, discount carpet warehouse (Samantha Ronson), methamphetamine laboratories, recession-proof homes, and when you visit home and there is no where to bang the girl down the street and for some reason you still have one parked in the driveway - leaking oil. Because when the rape van's a knockin' mom, mah dirty laundry is in the trunk of mah car. Mind the traveler of Smirnoff. That's for me.

This lead me on to think of other things that are going out of style. Like dial-up modems. Remember in 1995-1996 when you called your best friend down the street? The line was busy all fucking day. Why? His cunt of a mother left the fucking modem on and they did not have a separate line. What the fuck was she doing? Looking at 14k interweb porn? Updating her geocities account? I wanted to go play paintball with Jesse and I was to lazy at that time to walk down four houses. I'm still pissed!

But seriously, for those who still have Net Zero and Juno, kindly take a walk to your nearest rape van and go fuck yourself.

OPEN POST: Crazy Dumb Ho.

Sorry the updates have been lacking in the past week... I have actually been a little busy at my "job." But listen motherfuckers, I gots bar tabs to pay for. Those things are not always cheap, especially when you drunkenly sign outrageous tips for $100,000. That's right. I'm fucking George Bernard Shaw loaded.

Anyway, last night started off strange and ended stranger, all at the helm of several dumb crazy hos. I ventured downtown and picked up a good buddy from work - since his car is in the shop - no doubt because of one too many bone sessions in the back seat. That's right kids. Too much crotch slamming will fuck up a transmission.

So after the pick up, we venture to another friend's house. Where I proceed to dine on a cold Bud Light. Then the clouds started to position themselves all Mary Poppins like and BOOM the Earth opened and out popped two dumb bitches. If the Greenwood, SC accents were not bad enough, both had the intelligence of a small retarded child that was buried in Pet Cemetery.

The duo, who we will call Tittaydunks and Aeropostale, walked up the stairs and started screaming when approached by a dog. Because that is what is appropriate behavior when arriving in someones home, whom you have never met. It's like they walked in on Michael Myers sewing up a whole in his sock caused by bunion rubbing. What happeded next, I had no words for. Yeah. Me. Tittaydunks looked out the window onto the balcony where people were smoking cigs and exclaimed, "Are they in the garage or is that outside." WOW. I immediately texted this sentence to my friend who was out on the balcony. Time went on and I was becoming increasingly annoyed with the duo. I was trying to watch Best Week Ever, and I could not hear Paul F. Fucking Tompkins to save my life. Then I picked up the TiVo remote and speed through the commercial. "I wish mah TV had a fast forward button." Exclaimed Aeropostale. I had to check my surroundings to figure out if Britney Spears had suddenly walked in the room. She might as well have said, "Every month blood comes from my no-no and I went to the doctors and they said I needed a Maxi Pad." "I dont need all that fancy Maxi products, so I went to CVS and got the discount pads." "Those things work just as well as the pricey Post-It's."

Then after the duo of dense took the hint and left, we ventured to the bar. You know, THE bar, as if there is only one. It can have a parade all by itself. While we were there, most things were normal. The music was too loud, some dumb 18 year old girl ordered a vodka cranberry and exclaimed, "I can't taste the vodka." - and someone was undoubtedly pissing all over the handicapped bathroom floor.

We get in the car, and head back home... Only from my rearview, I notice two extra people... But thought, hell - this car is only going 2 blocks so they will have to get out there regardless. Turns out they were with us. Who knew? So after we go out to the balcony, yes the same balcony. Not the garage... We proceed to tell the ballad of Tittaydunks and Aeropostale... After 2 sentences, this crazy dumb ho, who we will call Satanginey McWhatthefuck, pulls some exorcist shit. Her head spun around 2,000 times, vomit was everywhere, the dog killed himself (drowned head in water dish), the streets flooded, someone down the block sacrificed a microwaved Teenage Mutant Nija Turtle action figure, and the gates of Hell opened. She then stormed out swimming through a stream of piss that my buddy provided from the balcony above.

The entire room had no idea what just happened. Apparently she thought that we were talking shit about her. By telling her a story of two dumb hos from hours before?! I guess takes one to know one... Then takes a drunk one to get all batshit nuts.

Then she pulled the, "I think I was roofied last night." To quote a friend, WHO WOULD WASTE A ROOFIE ON HER? If this is what the summer is going to shape up to be, I am going out with a hazmat suit, a crucifix, bottle of Pamprin, Holy vodka (its blessed by this Russian guy), and a cyanide tablet.

Swine Flu, it's like Bird Flu... but for KIDS!

So my weekend is officially over. But rather than my usual regrets, ie: waking on some unsuspecting / highly questionable sofa, taking a spill in the handi, or throwing a syruped pancake on a staff member of Waffle House... This weekend I resent pork. Yes the other white meat.

After I had gorged myself on ham at 3am, ordered a basket of bacon for brunch the next day, and then topped that off with what I can only describe with using a swimming pool for a measuring cup of pork fried rice... I learned that Babe left whatever crack den he was nosing about in and gave motherfuckers some Swine Flu. Swine Flu?!?! That sounds dirty. So now I feel dirty. Like the kind of dirty that needs a rape kit and a lollipop.

After a quick wikipedia search on what the fuck this is... I looked at the symptoms.
According to the CDC, they are:

• Fever (withdrawal)
• Cough (tobacco)
  
• Sore Throat (I'm not judging)
• Body Aches (random bruise or scratch from falling off the stool)
• Headache ("I'll have another, and a Rumple - 2 ways)
• Chills (waking up in the shower with it on)
• Diarrhea (Asian chicken and vodka cokes will send you home early from the bar)
• Vomiting ("I bet you can't...")

So, as you can see by my scholarly review of these "symptoms" - this is a nightmare. Think of all of the people in America right now just thinking they are hungover. They may have no idea that they have got the pork AIDS. I found out that I do not have it, thankfully. Or at least that is what my First Response told me.

How could Babe do this to us? It was all because of a little movie called Babe 2: Pig in the City. Mother. Fucker. Though I should have already been suspect back in 1998... It turns out that this film was banned in Malaysia. And only in Malaysia. Which tells me that they knew something, other than making a cheap garment or nicknack through forced child labor.

No one liked that movie. And I know why. Its a movie about a pig that goes to the big city. Spoiler Alert... shit goes wonkey and in the end its all butterflies and moonpies. Not today. Just look at the poster. There Babe is with his suitcase... Duh. Hes clearly coming from Mexico to infect us with the piggy pig plague. And wouldn't you know it... There is a web-footed heaping load of Bird Flu that is with him. I knew they were in cahoots.

I am glad to report, however... Swine Flu is not transmitted sexually. If this were the case I imagine the movie title would be something like, Babe 2: Pig in tha Pussay!

There's only 24 hours in a day...

I have an inside joke with a friend about this person that seems to always be busy. The joke just will not become old, find its way to a state-run retirement home, and slowly die.

Since we are both at work, our gchat's keep us from putting our heads in the oven. So today we came up with several things that our busy friend could be doing even as I write this.

(names have been changed to protect the innocently busy)

Enjoy...

He's breast feeding Arabian orphans who's parents died in fatal magic carpet rides.

He is actually out in the field right now, uncovering DNA evidence that will exonerate Timothy McVehy from the Oklahoma City Bombing. Also, since he was executed, He has been taking classes, to convert to Buddhism so that when McVehy comes back as a single-celled crustacean in Panama, he can then be retried and his name can be cleared.

He is currently being blown by the East wind to Number Seventeen Cherry Tree Lane, London and into the Banks' household to care for their children.

He currently holds office as senior Pooper Scooper for the Greater London Old English Sheepdog Club. The aim of the Greater London Old English Sheepdog Club is to promote the responsible ownership and breeding of the Old English Sheepdog.’ They hold regular shows and offer advice on training, grooming and diet.

He is currently working as inspector number 39 at the dice factory. Where he inspects for lopsidedness, blemishes, seven-sidedness and any other dice imperfections for casinos.

When he was in east Tibet... No doubt trying to free it, he took on the dubious task of bee-keeping. He would then use the honey he got from the bees to power his self-made motorbike en lieu of burning gasoline. For that he won the Nobel Prize but was unable to attend the ceremony due to a conflict he was having on the Red Phone with former President Reagan and his wife, Nancy.

He actually just left for his bi-weekly class on the behaviors and attitudes of Northern Wombats when introduced to music of the 1920s, before the Great Depression. After he will be giving a lecture on the Hubble Space Telescope concerning the accuracy of the lens used. This lecture will be given in both Japanese and American Sign Language, simultaneously.

The most beautiful thing in the world

Today I decided to take a moment out of my normal posting of vagina, sexually transmitted diseases (Lohan) and general douchebaggery. That is right. I decided to pay a little bit of homage to none other than the Big Mac. Few know where the Big Mac started. I have all the information you are not looking for.

The Big Mac was invented by God. It was his next, largely unquoted second statement, "Let there be Big Mac, too... Now I know what you are thinking... How could this be possible? Well friends it is the work and words of God. Don't question it. When it was brought to the mainstream in the early 1950s, Mother Teresa herself invented special sauce. Well, with all of that no-sex and stuff, she had a lot of mayonnaise and time. The secret is locked with her in her tomb as we speak. We shall never know what it really is. Though later, after spending billions, Larry Flint concocted something now known as Thousand Island Dressing. It is close, but only half way. Kind of like Larry, being that he cannot use his legs. It's ironic (don't you think)

Now the Big Mac was originally to be called “The Aristocrat” or the “Blue Ribbon Burger,” though those equally retarded names did not stick. Perhaps the special sauce did not yet have the quantity of seamen that it has in today's market.

While the Big Mac is the source of Asian morbid obesity, it is nonetheless delicious. You see Big Mac's are actually laced with black tar heroin. That is what has come to be known as, "the good shit." It drives people in to order them at ridiculous times of day / night. When I am batting 1,000... I sometimes fancy a 3am drive to the local McDonalds. We argue about their credit card machine being broken until we reach some sort of agreement. Which usually ends in me cutting a bitch and driving off with my delicious bag of goodness.

So today, here's to you Big Mac. Because I am still tasting / burping you up from my consumption of you last night. You are delicious and can never be replaced. Though sometimes the line may be long to get to you, especially when you have to get out of the car to piss on a bush, you are well worth the wait. And no. I will not settle for that "fourth meal" FUCKERY from the Taco Bell.

OPEN POST: Hipsters...

Today I was minding my own business attempting to be some sort of useful at work. After I realized that was going to be filed in the Fiction section of a crazed bookmobile drivers pedophile past - I was sent this magical link. So here's to you Coble. Keep scouring the interweb while you are "working."

Link listed below:

Hipster Douches...

While you aren't dick deep in a stumbleupon sesh...

Weezy shares his words of wisdom on sexy times... Dlisted

It would appear Obama's new dog is also half black... TMZ

Katie Holmes is searching for those lost Christmas presents too... TheSuperficial